The Annoying Hypochondriac

Jowlers and Jowlites


So i'm taking this precious blogging time to tell you all about a pet hate of my and thats 'over the top' Hypochondriacs. 

Actually i would bloodly love one of those in my bed, be it ill or at full health. She is so hot, i would  love to just......ohhhh god.....i would love to make her some chicken soup and make sure her water bottle was hot.....gggrrrrrrrrrr.


Sorry no, Hypochondriacs more like this.....

(just a casual Saturday night at the Adams family mansion)

People who are ill and they have to let every one know and make sure they get as much attention as they can. The Daily Mail said in a recent article;

'Hypochondriacs are healthier because they never, ever say of a symptom: 'I'm sure it's nothing.'

So basically it's the type of people who go to the doctor about trapping their finger in the fridge. Clearly a thing a person could get over in a matter of minutes but then has to go to the doctors. In fact i'm sure they'll be fully healed by the time they get their yet would still be like 'oh god i can't remember why i came here.......i must have alzheimer's'.

This has been spurred on by a woman at my work, who yesterday at about 2:13 decided that she was going to be ill for the rest of the day. I come up stairs into the office to find her standing, acting like she's spaced out.

Her- 'Oh God! I do not feel well (at this point swaying) I'm just rapidly falling ill'

Me- 'Oh Right, Bummer'

I've learnt over time to just not even pay attention where as a newby would 100% be like, okay sit down let me rub your swollen ankles. Nope I simple walked past her.

If your ill......do not declare your ill into someone's face. Instantly that person will put their hands to their face and ask you to remove your self. I did this. In a joking manor, I went; 

'Ohh well, don't come near me' 

she then snapped back and went

'Why would i want to go near you!' 

Well maybe you want to come near me because your way past 40, ugly and just generally ill mannered and any cock is hot! Okay I've wrote that and instantly gagged, small amount of Fajita has actually risen into my mouth.

So i want to take this time to talk about illness and why you shouldn't be pathetic. 

Guys, Bro's, Jowlers, I'm afriad to say that we're worse than the female of the species at this type of illness. Man flu is one of the biggest illnesses in the country and I honestly think that it's due to how easy it is to get off work. (I mean when the swine flu epidemic hit it was like international scive off work week) 

Imagine a soilder in the trenches of world war 2 going 'Myyyy head hurts, goddddd some one please get me a hot water bottle and my quilt.' would never happen. If anything, you say that, you'd be put down as a coward and probably be sent out first the next morning to see how active the Germans were. Wouldn't of happened. Now we can get away with it. And what is it that inspires us to do it. The hope that our girlfriends or any sexy female turns up like this. NOT YOUR MUM.....I REPEAT NOT YOUR MUM.

If that was my nurse I would be like ohhh god my thighs....my inner thighs! About 6-13 seconds of that I would be fine and ask to give her a check over. However usually nurses look like this. 

Not really what you want. You see that when you get into hospital you'll sooooon feel better. Jo Brand can be quite funny but she looks like a toad. A toad is the last thing i would want caring for me, all slimy and the risk of it just hitting you with it's long tongue. No I'm okay thanks I'll stick to not being a Hypo.

So basically in my infinite wisdom, I've decided there are certain things I think can be allowed as illnesses you can complain about and some you should just shut up about. 

Illnesses To Worry About

1. Cancer - Like The Don of Illness
2. AIDS - Like The Gay and 3rd World Don of Illness
3. Heart Disease - Bad Way to Go The Old Ticker Just Packing Up
4. Failure of Organs (all the big ones, liver, kidney's, Heart, Lung.....Brain?)
5. Mental Illnesses (but like the big ones like Schizophrenia, although who knows who will be telling you about their illness with that one, just not M.E.)
6. Dyspraxia/Dyslexia....Deadly.....to the brain.
7. Chlamydia (Nobody wants burning piss and puss like deposits, although rubber up, you'll be good to go kids)
8. Well really there are a lot of illnesses which I think we should worry about.

However there are some we just don't really need to worry about.

1.  Cold/ Common Flu - right it will be gone in like two weeks, three max, just go to bed early, take some Lemsip's and chill out. Usually your ill with a cold because your body is run down.
2. Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Painful yes, however also very funny. Toilet humour is best, look at this lovely video of some women taking full advantage of a little bit of the old IBS. 

    3. Malaria - but like in the western world, if we're talking Africa, stick it on the top list but here....if Cheryl Coal can deal with it I'm pretty sure the rest of us can. Then again i say that, she got in trouble for getting into a big old cat fight in 2003 in a club apply named 'The Drink' in Surrey, actually them mosquito's probably looked at her and went 'I dare you to bite her, i bloody dare you'. Mosquito numbers have dropped recently, when they saw she survived they simply gave up living. 
    4. Obesity - Eat less, Exercise more. Sorted. 


So in conclusion i think that we're all going to get ill through life, it's impossible to not get ill or damage your body. There are however some of us which will moan about it and others who will silently struggle through, continue to work, spread it to others and so the cycle continues. If there was no illness or disease we wouldn't learn how to defend ourselves from it and when it all hit at once we would be wiped out, look at the black plague (that may have no relevance). However I will say this if you don't feel well, don't do what the woman at work does and try and gain sympathy, it will just piss everyone off. She even went to the extent to which she came down into the warehouse, stood for 3-4 minutes doing nothing except signing and whinning.....FUCK OFF.


She came in the next day fine.


Jowlers can i say i'm loving how much support you guys are showing. Thank you for reading and i hope you continue to. I will be making some changes to the Name and stuff soon, so keep your peepers peeled. 

Peace and Love Jowls

James