The Poet and The Musician....

So Jowlers.... what lovely weather we've been having. Now the pleasantries are out the way....

First i want to apologise about the amount of time it's been since i've blogged.

i'm working on a alien invasion theory so hopefully that will be along in a few days. Here's a small example of the sort of thing i've been working with.....

Nerds At Their Best

Dave: John, remember in that film, alien, how the baby alien gets on your face and lays an egg...

John: Yeah

Dave: well while your Baby is unable to move shall we recreate that moment?

John: Don't know the wife wont be happy

Dave: Fuck your wife, lets suffocate your child.

Until then theres lots you can be doing......instead of rolling around in your own faeces or getting asphyxiated like this child.

First for the poet....

M.S. Harris, you know him, you love him.

Buy his poetry book. It will make you think, laugh, cry and inspire. Well worth a buy. And dont just look actually buy it. £2.49 is nothing and it will buy him a desperately needed mosquito net.....oh no wrong cause there. Here's the link.....buy it you filthy JOWLERS

Next is another type of art in an equally exceptional form. Cousin Avi have recently released The Red One (click the link) Which is fantastic. i've listened to it and sure i love Avi anyway but the new song's their producing are fantastic and exactly what you need as summer comes bounding round the corner. Yesterday they released this bad boy.....

Again faaannntastic. Lyrics brilliant, Filthy and Rocky and basically what you need blasting in your car if you want to be classed as cool (Kev Mowbray) 


So yeah Peace and Love Jowlers.


We'll speak soon yeah????


James

The Annoying Hypochondriac

Jowlers and Jowlites


So i'm taking this precious blogging time to tell you all about a pet hate of my and thats 'over the top' Hypochondriacs. 

Actually i would bloodly love one of those in my bed, be it ill or at full health. She is so hot, i would  love to just......ohhhh god.....i would love to make her some chicken soup and make sure her water bottle was hot.....gggrrrrrrrrrr.


Sorry no, Hypochondriacs more like this.....

(just a casual Saturday night at the Adams family mansion)

People who are ill and they have to let every one know and make sure they get as much attention as they can. The Daily Mail said in a recent article;

'Hypochondriacs are healthier because they never, ever say of a symptom: 'I'm sure it's nothing.'

So basically it's the type of people who go to the doctor about trapping their finger in the fridge. Clearly a thing a person could get over in a matter of minutes but then has to go to the doctors. In fact i'm sure they'll be fully healed by the time they get their yet would still be like 'oh god i can't remember why i came here.......i must have alzheimer's'.

This has been spurred on by a woman at my work, who yesterday at about 2:13 decided that she was going to be ill for the rest of the day. I come up stairs into the office to find her standing, acting like she's spaced out.

Her- 'Oh God! I do not feel well (at this point swaying) I'm just rapidly falling ill'

Me- 'Oh Right, Bummer'

I've learnt over time to just not even pay attention where as a newby would 100% be like, okay sit down let me rub your swollen ankles. Nope I simple walked past her.

If your ill......do not declare your ill into someone's face. Instantly that person will put their hands to their face and ask you to remove your self. I did this. In a joking manor, I went; 

'Ohh well, don't come near me' 

she then snapped back and went

'Why would i want to go near you!' 

Well maybe you want to come near me because your way past 40, ugly and just generally ill mannered and any cock is hot! Okay I've wrote that and instantly gagged, small amount of Fajita has actually risen into my mouth.

So i want to take this time to talk about illness and why you shouldn't be pathetic. 

Guys, Bro's, Jowlers, I'm afriad to say that we're worse than the female of the species at this type of illness. Man flu is one of the biggest illnesses in the country and I honestly think that it's due to how easy it is to get off work. (I mean when the swine flu epidemic hit it was like international scive off work week) 

Imagine a soilder in the trenches of world war 2 going 'Myyyy head hurts, goddddd some one please get me a hot water bottle and my quilt.' would never happen. If anything, you say that, you'd be put down as a coward and probably be sent out first the next morning to see how active the Germans were. Wouldn't of happened. Now we can get away with it. And what is it that inspires us to do it. The hope that our girlfriends or any sexy female turns up like this. NOT YOUR MUM.....I REPEAT NOT YOUR MUM.

If that was my nurse I would be like ohhh god my thighs....my inner thighs! About 6-13 seconds of that I would be fine and ask to give her a check over. However usually nurses look like this. 

Not really what you want. You see that when you get into hospital you'll sooooon feel better. Jo Brand can be quite funny but she looks like a toad. A toad is the last thing i would want caring for me, all slimy and the risk of it just hitting you with it's long tongue. No I'm okay thanks I'll stick to not being a Hypo.

So basically in my infinite wisdom, I've decided there are certain things I think can be allowed as illnesses you can complain about and some you should just shut up about. 

Illnesses To Worry About

1. Cancer - Like The Don of Illness
2. AIDS - Like The Gay and 3rd World Don of Illness
3. Heart Disease - Bad Way to Go The Old Ticker Just Packing Up
4. Failure of Organs (all the big ones, liver, kidney's, Heart, Lung.....Brain?)
5. Mental Illnesses (but like the big ones like Schizophrenia, although who knows who will be telling you about their illness with that one, just not M.E.)
6. Dyspraxia/Dyslexia....Deadly.....to the brain.
7. Chlamydia (Nobody wants burning piss and puss like deposits, although rubber up, you'll be good to go kids)
8. Well really there are a lot of illnesses which I think we should worry about.

However there are some we just don't really need to worry about.

1.  Cold/ Common Flu - right it will be gone in like two weeks, three max, just go to bed early, take some Lemsip's and chill out. Usually your ill with a cold because your body is run down.
2. Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Painful yes, however also very funny. Toilet humour is best, look at this lovely video of some women taking full advantage of a little bit of the old IBS. 

    3. Malaria - but like in the western world, if we're talking Africa, stick it on the top list but here....if Cheryl Coal can deal with it I'm pretty sure the rest of us can. Then again i say that, she got in trouble for getting into a big old cat fight in 2003 in a club apply named 'The Drink' in Surrey, actually them mosquito's probably looked at her and went 'I dare you to bite her, i bloody dare you'. Mosquito numbers have dropped recently, when they saw she survived they simply gave up living. 
    4. Obesity - Eat less, Exercise more. Sorted. 


So in conclusion i think that we're all going to get ill through life, it's impossible to not get ill or damage your body. There are however some of us which will moan about it and others who will silently struggle through, continue to work, spread it to others and so the cycle continues. If there was no illness or disease we wouldn't learn how to defend ourselves from it and when it all hit at once we would be wiped out, look at the black plague (that may have no relevance). However I will say this if you don't feel well, don't do what the woman at work does and try and gain sympathy, it will just piss everyone off. She even went to the extent to which she came down into the warehouse, stood for 3-4 minutes doing nothing except signing and whinning.....FUCK OFF.


She came in the next day fine.


Jowlers can i say i'm loving how much support you guys are showing. Thank you for reading and i hope you continue to. I will be making some changes to the Name and stuff soon, so keep your peepers peeled. 

Peace and Love Jowls

James

The Ten Evil Things I Told My Cousin

Me and my cousin don't......get along. So over her 7 years of life i've told her or done to her just to screw her over in life.

1. Yellow Snow Is Snow With Vanilla Flavouring


2. If There Is A Fly In The Window, The Only Way To Get It Out Is To Catch It With Your Hand And Eat It.


3. Here Have Some Of This Caramel (Actually Fat From The Roast Dinner)


4. Just Hold Her Over The Pool At The 2 Meter Deep Part......No Arm Bands.


5. Get On Her Tricycle. Literally Make The Wheels Explode Out The Sides Due To Weight (TRUE STORY)


6. When Reading Jokes From A Cracker At Christmas....Just Talk Over Her And When She Gets To The Punch Line, Say It Before She Does.


7. Tell Her That There Is Grated Swede And Carrot In Her Cake When She Hasn't Eaten Her Vegetables, She Soon Stopped Eating Her Dessert, I Proceeded To Finish It For Her.  


8. Sit On Her.


9. Threaten To Cut Her Teddies Head Off.


10. Tell Her That I'm Going To Break Something And Then Tell Her Mum She Did It Because She's Mental.

Look....if you thinking 'Thats bad' it's not, she's seven, she calls me fat, she deserves it.

Peace And Love Jowlers

James

The Saturday Night Scene......

So basically I hate going into town on a Saturday night... Going to run down a few reason's why.


Sorry, actually just a little side note, once again I'll just say, if you like going into town then that is fantastic. Your braver than me. But I actually hate it. and I can see me getting this....

'Why you slagging off town. We fucking love town man, nothing better than getting crunk at da weekend'

Right....back off.  This is a log of opinion in which i'm going to pretty much take town apart, because I don't like it, if you like it fine. I don't. In fact maybe you might read it and go oh he's got a point there, town actually isn't what it's cracked up to be and we should probably do other things apart from piss our weeks wages up the fucking wall...... but I'm not preaching. Okay so lets get some structure here. first of all lets discuss....


Drinking.

Drinking is something I don't do. Not due to getting so drunk that one time I woke up with a naked man in my bed who had a goat and a loaded gun. Also not due to a religion or cult in which I cannot drink. Purely down to the fact I'm just not keen on the taste. The other thing I'm not keen on is the thought of eventually ending up in a hospital having my stomach pumped while I'm being stitched up for a knife wound. So yeah I don't drink. I don't have a problem with people drinking. Not at all. If I did I think you know you'd hear about it. No, if you want to drink, Drink mother fuckers. Be merry, HAVE A LAUGH. I'm just not so sure about those who go out to drink their own body weight in alcohol. like one of these.

WHHHEEEYYY lets all drink cocktails out of massive bowls, FISH BOWLS. Right, that is the size of her stomach. I've heard people's stomach's when their full of liquid and it's rough, but that's after food and stuff. Look at her, she hasn't eaten a full meal, and if she has, she's thrown it up after. No, she's got a stomach full of that cocktail. I say.....put actual fish in these bowls. If you want to get fucked, you have to have the fish as well. Swollow them whole so they live on inside of you! 

'OOHHH but we drink them with our girlys, we have one between 6 of us, you silly sausage James'

Oh god yeah I'm sorry, I forgot you don't have one to your self. There's a reason for this you know. It's cheaper when there's 6 of you, if you had the money, you'd have one to your self.


(side note)
I wasn't going to put this picture in because it was two people on one bowl, but I cant help it. I'll let you be the judge.

Ha. Look at him.


Venue


Okay so next on the list in venue. Went to a few places in Northampton. Hakamou. that was alright. like a beach hut type theme. I like that, in the middle of England, under a shopping centre, in a basement which if gutted out could be a fantastic place to hold a fight club... Apart from that i liked it in there. good music. good atmosphere.

NB'S 

I had a mate work at NB's, he told me a few things about the place. Apparently back in the day the building was the hang house of Northampton. ohhh.....interesting fact #1. I think they should have a few nooses hanging about still. It would be worth it. 

For all those who have been sober enough to see, this is the reason why the basement part, near the toilet, is in the theme of a little prison (Fact # 2). However it gets a bit confusing after that. Why put a FUCKING CAVE in the middle of a night club. I bet now the manager is cursing the day he let Captain Cave Man do the interior. 'I should of known it would be like this.'

they wanted this.

Sleek, Elegant, Tropical location. They've ended up with this.

A crap 80's looking plastic 'cave' which frankly is what I imagine the inside of The Things stomach to look like. 

People

Actually to start with I'm going to keep this casual. Not restricted to town. Photo's people (usually girls) take of them selves to put on Facebook. Ohhh it's getting to much. Here's a forced photo of my friend Ben and I.

Awkward?? Yep..... but it's a fact of life. everyone does it. Yes your proud of what you look like, how well your fake tan came out this week, how good your boobs look in the wonder bra your mum's brought you. However, stop making me cringe because i know there was a time lapse of about 20 minutes which was you taking the photos, and going 'Nope, i dont like that one, my clunge isnt hanging out far enough, another'. You've taken three or four to make sure you look perfect. how do i know, because i've do it. we alllll do it. except i do it with superhero related things, like this....

There was about 8 of these. This was the worst.

Next selection of people. the old people who should not be in town on a Saturday night. Go home mate. You don't want to be here, you should be listening to Radio 4 with a hot water bottle, not this, not getting picked on in town. look at this guy.....

What's he doing, well he's making himself a YouTube sensation, but not out of choice. Go home buddy put your feet up. DON'T go round night clubs touching up girls who frankly could be your grand daughter. I feel for these old perverts. Probably where i'm going to end up in 50 years so might as well start taking notes.

Next set of people. Super Skinny Wannabe Models. First of all i honestly think it's super unattractive. If i can break you, I'm not interested. I lift weights for a reason, I want a challenge. not a half ton challenge, but a challenge. Girls if your out there thinking 

'I wish I was that skinny, no one will ever like me!'

Don't think like that. Frankly these girls are too skinny. You know when you pick up a hamster and you can feel it's bones when it moves through your hands and there's that thought in your head that 'if I squeezed a little bit, I could kill this', it's the same with size Zero's. I run by the rule of get what I can, but I'd have to seriously think about the danger I'd put her life into.

If i kicked her hard enough in the stomach I reckon I could brake her spine.

Now for the passionate bit......

For all of those who enjoy going out into town, fair enough. It's not for me to dictate where you should go and tell you that you shouldn't go into town. However, when you go in sober, open your eyes and your ears. You'll see things very different. There are some ugly images in town which makes it hard not to gain a vendetta against going out. My message is always the same....JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE. Do what you want and HAVE A LAUGH. If you get your kicks from going into town and waking up in your own sick then do it. I'm alright waking up with morning glory because I've not got any the night before.

However it's situations like this you might want to avoid.

This picture has got Date Rape written all over it.

Stay Safe.

Peace and Love Jowlers

James

The Pokemon Phase...

Gotta Catch Them All......Or Do We????


Okay so basically my friend Charlie Bass loves Pokemon..... don't slag him off, sure he's 19 and should probably be doing better things with his time, but shut your mouth because he's Rock and Roll, if he wants to play with his game boy he can. But yeah he loves pokemon and the other day I said there was too many of them. He said there wasn't. well, it's being blogged.


Pokemon, created by Satoshi Tajiri, that's this guy...

who clearly thought he was drawing him self when he drew this....(dont think he drew him but...)

Bless him he wanted to be a Hero so he made a cartoon where he's catching animals. Right few points, if i drew my self into a cartoon.... 


1. More muscles, go mad, the body you want is for the taking, make it look like you've worked out, not like well a 14 year old boy. i mean Brock had no eyes but at least he was like 22/23 and would try and pull chicks. Ash and Brock hanging out was just weird. 


2. I've looked about to find his age (34 seconds, i'm not wasting my life finding out how old Ash is) but couldnt find one, i'm going to say he's like 14....what the fuck is his mother doing letting him go off into the wilderness on his own to collect animals, wild, dangerous animals? Shit parenting there by Mrs Ketchum. 


Anyway I'm not having a go at pokemon, pokemon was wikid, at the age of 9 through to 11 I bloody loved it, and to be honest I look at it now and I think yeah that was awesome. But what was awesome was the first 150.... i knew where i stood with 150.

Pikachu..... Electric Mouse, Cool

Bulbasaur....like a lovely larey Toad.

Squirtle.....Badass Turtle

Charmander....Lizard on fire.

And that is all good and fine. Ten years ago, i use to get off on that shit like i was hitting 7 gram rocks. But then I left it and I'm glad I did. Another 342 pokemon have been added to the collection since the originals. there not needed. maybe some of them are needed but not all of them, here is a little collection of pokemon that aren't needed...

Grotle - just like a shit Turtle whose got a couple of hedges growing on his back. that would annoy me, the last thing i want to do is 'prune' my pokemon. He'll get birds making nests and stuff....more trouble than it's worth.

Cranidos - clearly someone at Pokemon HQ has watch The Lost World: Jurassic Park the night before, gone in and gone 'what about those dinosaurs with like the battering ram on their head, we could do one of them.' he's like a cross between Yoshi and an egg. Not needed.

Torkoal - Gassy Turtle....he just farts every where and it's got so bad it's coming out his nostrils. i cant imagine farting out my nostrils it would smell before it's hit the air. his life must be hell. put him down.

Sugimori - 'apparently' the Laziest pokemon ever.... you had one of them called Snorlax. he had his place....(as a road block in the Kanto region) YOU DONT NEED ANOTHER LAZY POKEMON.... imagine these two come up against each other. just there for days, they lie there before one goes 'right i've gotta go for a shit'. game over. anyway, that pokemon just looks like my Dad on a sunday morning.

Oh Just Fuck Off.......

All these new pokemon are either mental cats....(like cats with ice on them, or cats with 8 tails or even a cat with no eyes) or weird birds, or transformers and then there's just loads of gender confused animals like the one above. if that's a male. I feel for it.

They should of just stuck with animals, there's loads of animals in the world and it would of been more interesting to see it with real animals. like the video below... 

This was just a little rant about Pokemon and a lot of people wont be interested in it. read one of the others then. 'i've read the others' well read them again.

Peace and Love Jowlers 

James

ALSO

Check these guys out. Their website is ace and they are the makers of the video above. you'll love their shit. Click on the link below.

thehamwallet

The Need To Have A Baby...

JOWLERS.... can i first say, great response yesterday to the blog, i hope you liked it enough to come back again today and see what mystical thoughts pollute my brain.


Babies At 16/17


This is a subject that isn’t close to my heart, I’m more or less likely to finish this blog entry with, but do what you want I don’t care. Still I think that I need to feed you with my opinion on this subject as there is a lot of comedy to unveil.

There is a reason to why I’ve picked on this subject, your thinking

‘Wow, he’s gone from talking casually and abusively about Bruno Mars, to a hard hitting subject like teenage pregnancy...’

But it’s not an attempt to become more intellectual or political.....I’ve watched Coronation Street last night and I've seen a lovely story line involving two minors deciding to have a baby. That’s right the loveable ginger runt..... Chesney Battersby-Brown, whose clearly punched way above his weight yet landed Katy Armstrong, have decided to have a lovely little baby. Here is the lovely couple.....

Look at them, young love and all that, falling for each other, dropping out of school, dropping their trousers and why because they’re of a similar age and they live on the same street. There’s no other reason than this. Now I’m not a huge Corrie watcher, more of an EastEnders man......for one reason and one reason only Max Branning.... Legend.... but we’ll talk about him another time, so I don’t know the whole story behind this particular story line but from what I heard last night, she wants to have a baby and he basically went, you really want this don’t you....don’t you....okay we’ll have a baby. 

There is where my dad and I looked at each other in disgust and I thought gonna blog about that shit. Now before I get

‘don't have a go at people having baby’s, I’ve just had a baby....’

That is fantastic and i’ll be the first on this blog to say CONGRATULATIONS.... well done on shitting a bowling ball...i couldn’t do it, in fact I don’t think any man could. I thought I prolapsed once and I was sat on the floor in my shower rocking at the idea alone. Wasn’t even a prolapse, just one of those shits that feel almost spiky, like you’ve been eating Lego. Any way, that got me, let alone an actual child..... so well done, be proud....... for taking a massive baby like shit. 

What I’m saying is why so young? why are you in such a rush to have a baby at 17 (or younger)? Teen age pregnancies happen, all over the world, there would have been a time when they would have been acceptable, but I’m talking like early man, stone age, up to Roman times....(Victorian era....just straight up slut if you get pregnant at that point, not sure on details from Romans to Victorians.... a lot could of happened between then, yeah slut, put in a work house, your kid is likely to become a thief, get involved with the wrong crowd, oh no wait, that is modern Britain, well not a lot has changed.) but teenage pregnancies do happen. These kids who go out, get leathered on WKD’s and think shall I insert part A into part B and repeat as necessary..... yeah alright and low and behold, nine months later part C costs a lot of money. 

Pretty sure you give it 15 months and Chesney and Katy are going to be regretting their decision on having a baby and be more like this....

(I went for the ginger baby for obvious reasons.)

Why would you want a baby at that age, your still living with your mum and dad, your struggling to make sure they can’t hear you wacking off to one of Charlie Sheens Goddesses, let alone making sure a baby isn’t crying all night long. 

Sure you’re a 16 year old girl, you think you’ve found the love of your life...

(in fact on a side note if there’s any 16 year old girls reading this wanting to get pregnant then read this before you let your man plant his seed)

...You haven’t found the love of your life and if you have, you shouldn’t have to realise it until you’ve hit like the 5/6 year mark in your relationship, once you've matured together, but your only 16, your watching videos like the one below, thinking oh my god he’s so cute...

Yeah he is cute and he’s funny, but that is literally a minute and a half of that childs life your seeing....AND HE’S HIGH. Unless your going to put your baby on Novocaine for like 8 hours a day (which I’m sure would kill it) your not going to have the same result,

In fact, in 12 years, you’ll end up  with this twat...

Nobody wants that, well unless your using him to make you shit loads of money.  But apart from that.... I think I’m alright....cheers.

Why put a sell-by-date on having a baby? I’ve heard people go to me, ‘I want a baby by the time I’m 24’..... I want an Aston Martin by the time I’m 24 it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. What I mean is just let things happen. Believe me when I say, there’s been many a time when I’ve ‘wanted’ something to happen, mainly with girls, it doesn’t happen if you ‘want’ it to happen, it’ll happen if it happens, so just chill out. 

Have a good time with life while you’re young, there will come a time when you have a husband/wife and kids and a mortgage, then it will be hard to have a good time.

JUST HAVE A LAUGH....

i know people like having babies and i can pretty much guarantee you i will be an EPIC dad. I like children, i think they're cool, if you can control them. There was a time when i saw a mother....proberly about 18 in the middle of a shopping centre, just letting her child be sick. It looked like the first time the child had ever been sick, it was in so much shock at what was happening it just stood there being sick down its pink puffa jacket, i couldn't find such an image so i went for a little drawing of the event....

I'm not up to handling that at 17....i was doing that my self at 17 just randomly being sick in public places. 

reasons why I'm well up for having a child.

1. (most important reason) because i'm in love with a sexy ass super model/actress  who is taking home like 1.2 million a year, but now she's well up for having a child. would be like the best child ever, incredible good looking (her) but at the same time, incredible funny and talented (me).
2. I've sort of grown up a bit and being able to read comics in public and play with action figures becomes a bit weird, I have a kid, problem solved. I can paint it's room with Marvel shit all over.
3. Second Player on COD (who i can destroy)
4. Just teach them comedy shit.
5. Train them up.... that's serious there i will not have my kids being like i was at school, if they want to eat they can eat some salad baby!!!! Seriously though gonna get some Adonis DNA in them.
6. To pass on my gene pool to the next generation

But all of these reasons I want to apply when I've matured.... at 17 i could happily read a comic anywhere...it's a little harder now but I still try. Once I'm suited and travelling to work on the train it will be harder still!!!

Okay listen, I'm not slagging off people who have babies, I know people who have babies at my age and they are fantastic mum's. I'm slagging off 16/17 year old KIDS who are going to each other 'Shall we have a baby'......don't force it. if it's meant to happen it will but don't force it at that age.

i want to end on this..... as much as you can battle kids...there always going to bring you down in the end. (i came across this by accident, i felt it needed to be shared)

Peace And Love Jowlers

James

P.S Do what you want i don't actually care.