Speaking My Mind.

New Year.... New Chance To Dominate The World.

well i feel there is now a need. it's been too long since I've 'Spoken My Mind' on this mad world for all it's glory. My last written blog was 'The Real X-Men' which everyone hated. I looked at it and thought 'I've written quite well there, i've spoken about something that interests me' and nobody was interested. Go on, admit it because it was you, with your closed mind, that refused to read it. You and your closed mind. You don't want to know something scientific but you love to see me writing about how much Bruno Mars looks like Rick Astley. (i saw Rick Astley actually, funny story, turns out he's a lot like Alan Partridge these days).

Anyway, what i will say is this. 2012 will be a year of many things, love, laughter, friendship, honour, oh and the world is going to end. However 2011 was an interesting year. I met some of the most amazing people in Australia, rode the Incredible Hulk until i chaffed with James Tyrrell, Lost the shittest job i have ever had and hope to have and spent amazing time with my friends. (Shit I'm being sentimental, you guys don't like that sort of thing I forgot.)

Right, the other day i put out a status on Facebook asking what people would like to see me write about, i am true to my word so i shall write a small something about each item on the list...

Phallic Shaped Objects. 


I searched for Phallic Shaped Objects on Google and it came straight up with Dildo's. I found this odd. I thought the first stop would be Freud, he bloody loved a good Phallic shape, although i imagine that it was more along the lines of his maid walked in on him looking at pictures of cocks and having to cover...

'Mr Freud, Sir, are dose picture of ze naked mens'

'Greta.... I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK!! Now you need not worry about zis. I ave a therm about how you.... will look at....a frankfurter, for example, and see one of these, lovely big cock' 

but yeah Dildo's. A lot of girls own Dildo's. They say they don't but they quite clearly do. Being a man, i can honestly say that masturbation is a natural thing. Doing a natural thing is....well natural. So why do girls feel the need to lie about masturbating. When I say that I do it three times a day, I feel a sense of pride. You ask a girl how often she masturbates and she simply lies and says 'I never do that' She's a liar. She's probably done it that morning and is embarrassed  by the fact that somehow you know and we do know. The pheromones on her fingers and under her nails make there way up to our nostrils and we instantly become horney and ask them about whether or not they do masturbate. When i was in sydney I met a girl, it was the first thing i asked her.....however she did have her fingers up my nose, it was the rich smell of blood that led me to think they'd been up her vagina. (just call me Sherlock) Anyway, didnt talk about Dildo's but lets move on.

Women's Rights

Jon Goudie put this one forward. He's such a great man. He's like awesome at everything. I saw this man call that he would throw a bottle across the room and into a hole in the bin and then do it with out a flinch. Great man, one of the best things i've ever seen. Anyway. Women's Rights. Women now have rights, they bloody love having rights as well. Bitter sweet really though because one thing less for them to moan about but some how they find more reasons to moan about it and it usually consists of 'We shouldnt have to do that, thats a mans job' I tell you what, if you want to the right to work down the mines, you get down there and work them.

I don't know what else to write about here really. I love women and i'm glad that they have rights. I quite like strong women, a woman who will take control and keep me in line. Rather than just be walked all over. As a side note...Jon if you wanted me to slag women off here then i'm afraid i can't. It's a woman's choice whether she swallows or not and not something that should simply be bet upon, WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS!

Also as a great man once said 'How can i hate women.....my mums one'

2012

2012 is a huge year in so many respects, London Olympics, The Dark Knight Rises, Cater on BBC Three (We Hope) but most importantly it will be the end of the world. (apparently) i dont know what to say about this. To be honest i dont think it will happen. i've heard many different things and one of those things is that it's simply the changing of the Aztec calender not the end of it. This means that there calender will simply start again. However there are other theories as well....

Aliens - Meh.... i dont know, would be nice i suppose, for nothing else but the conversation. Either that or it will mean a world wide battle between these aliens and us. i will now circle you back to a blog i have previously written..... The Concept Of An Alien Invasion  (great little bit of self promotion)

Poles Switch Ends - this is just something I've heard, what it means is really confusing, it means that the tectonic plates shift in such a way that the magnetic poles switch and it sends us spinning off into the sun more or less. (Seriously watch the film 2012, it will explain this so much better than i would)

Asteroid - Big piece of rock comes from space and hits the earth. It will basically have the force of about 300 nuclear bombs. which i think pretty much means the end of the world, no Elijah Wood on a motor bike at the top of a mountain, no Bruce Willis blowing it up from the inside. Actually how great would that be, scientists know that we're fucked yet send all the people who have destroyed asteroids in Films up there to have a go at saving the earth FOR REAL. 

anyway which ever way that all goes we'll probably not even know about it so we'll see what happens, any which way i would love for the planet to go to pot and us all go back to this.....

GAME OF THRONES.....best shit about. If the world goes to pot... get me a Sword made of Valyrian Steel and a Dire Wolf and i will be good to go! 

Next....

3D TV's

This is a really hard thing to have an opinion on. 3D TV's were quite clearly the next step, how else were we meant to watch Avatar outside of the IMAX cinema's. You all know, or you will all know after reading my Alien Invasion Blog how much i love blue cat like chicks, to see them in 3D in the privacy of my own front room, well there we're going back to the details in the first section of the blog. Anyway there are alot of 3D playstation games now which makes gaming more incredible. I mean they're bringing Titanic out in 3D this year, women are going to go mental for a young bit of Leo in 3D.... they will need the TV's so they can see him sink to his demise over and over again.

Tag Team Wrestling

I don't know where to go with this one. So i searched it and i came up with this....

we'll leave it there.

Pants (And Why They're Important)

I dont really like pants. they are a bit tight and constricting. Recently though i think i may have found a need for them. i have discovered that fashion is quite cool and having lost a load of weight while i was away. (Yeah i look fucking awesome now bitches. if you havent seen me get ready to fall in love...that applies to girls and boys) however i've now found the need to wear fitting clothes. So I brought some pairs of straight fitting jeans and have found the need for slightly tighter fitting pants or else you will spend the majority of the day with them in your bowel.  What i cant get over is the people who wear girls jeans, if anything i have respect for you, the ones i've got are so tight that i can barely bend down, what like must be like for you.... walking around peg legged. also i swear they must make womens jeans without a part for the penis which means your junk is crushed in the small amount of fabric you do have... your brave.

anyway pants.... i think the main reason for pant's or underware if your from anywhere else in the world, are purely a tool to stop shit particles from hitting your jeans when you fart... it's the same for boys and girls. When girls where thongs it's because they have tiny little arse holes which dont need that much covering up, yet still stop particles of shit. 

Megan Knights Minge....

Not seen it..... so no comment.

Okay so that was a logistical nightmare. I'm not going to ask people what they think I should put in a blog again because it took so much time to write about them all. i think the blogs need to be more me slagging shit off and you bloody loving it, so we'll stick with that for next time.

as always....

you know you love me...

Gossip Girl....

No wait wrong blog, 

Peace and Love Jowlers

James

Video Blog #2 The Mexican

Video Blog #1: Adapting

The Real X-Men

Jowlites.....


I know the rate of blogs has been slow but I do have a life and other things I need to do, you know..... bloody students.  So I'm going to bless your eyes and senses of humour with another rendition of the 'Northamptonshire' famous James Gordon Blog. I did mention about changing the name, which I will do, however I need time to do so and as much as everyone thinks I do fuck all at work, I'm pretty busy at the moment.  However I always have time for my sexy mother Jowlers.


So today's topic is.....

The X-Men... a group of teenagers with one similarity is genetic mutation. Jean Grey - Telekinesis. Cyclops - Optic Blasts. Beast - Heightened Agility and Super Intelligence. Iceman - Control of Ice. Angel - One Bad Ass Pair of Wings. Led by a freaky bald guy in a wheelchair who could read everybody's mind.  Not weird at all.


'Mum, dad, I'm just off with this little wheelchair fella, he says he will 'read my mind' and stuff'


'Okay son...... have a safe journey'


These guys were the original, bad ass, mutant fighting/representing mother fuckers and they meant business. None of your Hugh Jackman or Halle Berry bull shit. They were the real deal.


Anyway I was thinking about being a mutant and how cool it would be. Turns out it wouldn't be.


I came across this article by accident......

  

I know what your thinking......FUCKKKK OFFFFFF!!!!!

Here's the woman!

Just metal wire coming out of every where! It's like a dream to some one who loves peircings...maybe not her, she's pretty ugly and looks so pissed off that she put on her 'misscaro' bra the one day she gets them out. So there you have it. She has actually got wire growing out of her body. I was/am still sceptic, however here's some quotes from the article.....

'Her name is Noorsyaidah. A 40 years old kindergarten teacher from Sangatta, East Kutai. Her first symptoms started manifestating in 1991. The metal wires grew out of her chest and her belly.' 

Yep....you read that right, kindergarten teacher! Okay Miss (deffinately miss, she's not a mrs) Noorsyaidah, you've got some very good credentials here, your officially not a paedophile according to guys upstairs so i think we're good to go, now i've got a lovely class of (she takes her jumper off revelling a few wires for a moment) ohhh, whats that there? (She shows him the wires).....get out!  She wouldnt be aloud to teach kids in this country, they'd rip her apart, literally. They made the board game operation for a reason, cause kids love poking bodies...she's like a gold mine to them. 

'One of her sisters said that she tried to help by trimming the wires. Alas, whenever she trimmed the wires, the wire retreated as if it were hiding and then popped up in another part of Noorsyaidah’s body.'

That would be so cool, she's essentially like a magnetic sea anemone touch her wires and they retract. Funny enough same thing happens with my penis. Touch that bad boy it will retract and pop out somewhere else on my body. So yeah thats a bit weird.

 'At this stage, there were no current medical explanations or any case ever exist. Hence, there is but only one other possible consideration… Occult magic.'

I loved this quote so much. The idea that if a medical condition cannot be explained it must be Occult Magic. 200 years ago you've got people going to 'doctors';

Commoner -  'it burns when i piss and my cocks leaking a yellow puss...which is salty to taste' 

Doctor - 'that is.......Occult Magic, not a lot i can do about that to be honest, just keep having sex, it'll work it's self out'

So i saw this article and i thought, that is fantastic, as far as doctors can see it's a genetic mutation which means that there is actual metal wire growing out of her body. I mean my first step would be get some of the metal, test it to see if what element it is, she may have just fallen into a pit of paper clips. However as far as we can see she has mutated. This got me doing some more research. I thought 'i wonder how much evidence there is on every day people being superheroes' of course the internet was full of mental stories of people with powers.... here's my top 5 'real' life x-men...... (real put extremely loosely, you read about these guys and you'll agree)

TOP 5 REAL LIFE X-MEN!!!!!!! 

(said in like the X-Factor voice)

5. Beast Master (Vladimir Durov)

With the power of his mind he could control animals to do his bidding.

So this guy basically controlled animals with the power of his mind. Yeah it's unlikely that this is actually happening, however...

'Bechterev created a list of tasks that he wanted one of Durov's docks to perform in a specific order. Durov went to his fox terrier, Pikki, took his head in his hands and stirred straight into the little dogs eyes - physically transferring his thoughts directly into Pikki's brain. Durov release the dog and it immediately went outperforming the assigned tasks'

 order to build control animals with my mind.  I would get my cats doing just the most mental stuff, stealing from banks, working as a pack to take down my enemies. however I think we're all forgetting self-will.  Animals aren't stupid, you want to sit on a mat, unless there's some incentive, they won't sit on the mat. Beast Master would be cool but what happens when you come up against the Super Evil Veterinarian. You're done.

4. Lightening Man (Roy Cleveland Sullivan)

The Ability To Absorb Lightening.

A man who can absorb lightning.... just take it on and lived to tell the tale.

'Roy Cleveland Sullivan was a forest ranger in Virginia who had an incredible attraction to lightning... or rather it has an attraction to him.  Over his 36 year career as a ranger, some of them were struck by lightning seven times - and survived each jolt, but not unscathed'

If you're like me, your thinking... 'Right you've absorbed lightning.... now what are you doing with it? Shooting off in different directions from your hands??' Nope....nothing.  He's literally just absorbing it. I read on....

'He suffered the loss of a nail on his big toe. 27 years passed before been struck again, this time by a bolt that singed his eyebrows off.  The next year, in 1970, another strike burned Sullivans left shoulder'

That's not a power, it's just a fucking hindrance. It gets worse for Roy....

'In 1973 when, seemingly just to taunt Sullivan, a low hanging cloud shot a lightning bolt at his head, blasting him out of the car, setting is hair on fire and knocking off a shoe.'

He's just looking at the sky cursing.....'Please just leave me alone....GOD please' the guy got hit by lightning seven times in his life.... I feel for him, there were points when Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) said his abilities won't power over a curse.  He didn't know how lucky he was, he didn't get struck by lightning every two minutes. 'Is that a curse???' I hear you say, let you be the judge by the last line in this article...

'He took his own life in 1983'

 Hated His Power.

3. The Great Telekinetic (Nina Kulagina)


The Power To Move Things With Her Mind


Basically woman in the soviet union, where talking like 1970s, claims to be able to move things with her mind and from what can be seen on video footage and from documents that have been 'leaked' it would appear she managed to slow a man's heart rate down to near cardiac arrest (now seen Derren Brown do that aided simply with a golf ball). She was stopped due to previous experiments in which she had managed to kill frogs by slowing down their heart rates. Okay that's mental, she clearly just killed the frogs with her bare hands, she throttled a frog in there... evil evil woman. Take a look at the video below...

Make your own mind up.


Get her moving a car and I'll be impressed, until then there's more than one way to skin a cat, or moving object with a magnet as the case may be.


2. Das Uberboy (Unknown)


Superhuman Strength From Birth


I don't really know what to say about this one.  There's not much evidence to this.  Basically an article I've come across and I've thought 'It would be quite cool to have a baby superhero' are the only folks call the article had was this....

Basically stating that it was a genetic mutation and that the animals were muscles have become the key genetic strain.  Apparently when the baby was first born all its muscles would twitch constantly and now it had superstrength, however they are keeping the child's name secret due to the safety of the child. This clearly indicates that a Mafia gang are going to kidnap him and train him to be the bad guy, if his name got out. As I said I don't know what to say about this, I think it could be rubbish.


1. Captain Sonar (Ben Underwood)


 Super Echolocation After Losing His Sight Due To Retinal Cancer


so basically this young man from America is the real-life Daredevil, you pathetic non-comic book readers will know him as a misty eyed Ben Affleck, however Daredevil was a character who got toxic waste in his eyes. Although it blinded him all of his other senses were heightened.  This lad had cancer in his retinas that age 2 and lost his sight, two years later he gained the ability to use a series of clicks to echo locate objects around him. 


Please take time to watch this video..... it is truly amazing! (just click the link below)

This is by far my winner, if the others were even contenders. I'm not going to have a go at him or try to be funny. He is truly an amazing example of how the human body can adapt and evolve to whatever disability is thrown at it.


Captain Sonar....... you can join my Superhuman Squad any time!


so there we have it, a little rundown of the reality of mutation and superhuman powers.  Anyone who knows me is properly shocked at how long it has taken for me to get a comic book related blog on here, well here it is and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And to some non-reality mutants, take a look at the new X-Men trailer below.... set to be one of the biggest superhero films this year.

Peace and Love Jowlers

James.

The Concept Of An Alien Invasion

Jowllleeerrrsss, firstly I want to apologise for how long it has been since I blogged last! Nearly 2 weeks. Honest answer.... I've gone on-line with my X-Box and all I do is sit and play CoD all day. I've had numerous people ask me about the next one;

'When's The Next One Coming Out?? I Need To Read Something!! I Need Something To Take Me Away From The Gamble That Is My Diabetic Life' 

James Tyrrell

'Its A Favourite On My iPad Web Page Now... When's The New One Coming Out'

Stacy Hudson

'Please Tell Me Your Putting A New One Out Soon, I Touch My Self While Reading Them...'

Lucy Dibble

'Stop Writing This Bollocks, It's Shit And No One Cares'

Mark Harris

So get ready.....your about to read something i'm building and hyping up, which is basically the word vomit I'm producing from an over active brain (no normal person should think into stuff as much as i do, your brain will explode). You'll be extremely dissapointed with it and wish you'd spent your time doing something better... but for those of you who love me off enough to care (Mum....Dad, thats for you) here we go...




i recently went to see this here film.

This isn't a film review, purely due to the fact it's been out to long to review it, that would be pointless but what a great little action film. I went in thinking it would be terrible due to all the bad press it got, even though the trailer was really good, and i ended up really liking it. It is action from start to end but it is good action and the story is relatively gripping. However there were a few themes in the film which i thought were interesting talking points and why not bring them up on a lovely blog.


So the scenario....

The Earth Enters Into A World Wide Invasion From An Alien Species....Discuss.

First of all 100% every kid out there wants this to happen. At some point or another they've gone how cool would it be if aliens invaded earth. Well the answer is that it would not be cool. Not at all. 

Lets get a few things straight to start with. Themes and theories of the film Battle: Los Angeles actually made sense.  A lovely group of squid like aliens come down to earth to kill all it's inhabitants and the take it's main resource in this case.....water. The earth is 71% water and if things are coming to get our resources i'm pretty sure it's going to be for the aqua. 


I like water. In the summer after playing tennis or football there is nothing better than a glass of water and in the winter if you heat it up loads and get in it, it can be lovely to jump into for an hour or two. There is no way a bunch of cephalopods (yeah thats science there, means a mollusc which has developed tentacles so....) aren't going to want to come down and splash about a bit. 


Here's a picture of them.

But your thinking to your self....

'Wait a minute James, I can see a figure, sure, but its a bit

 hard to make out...'

So I thought I'd take it upon my self to do a little drawing of these bad boys then we'll take them as the alien that's taking over the planet.

So now you get an idea of what an alien coming to earth is going to look like. Now we can rip it apart. LOOK AT HIM!!!!! he's got no chance really. First of all I'm pretty sure our gravity is going to be an issue for him because he's got tentacles for walking apparatus, the leg to body weight ratio would be impossible to our physics. Although i think the legs (if they worked) would be the biggest problem for us though. Four of them to start with, quicker on the move. Also no one has ever liked a squid kicking them. He hits you with one of them you know it. Although then we move up the body, look at his tiny waste. SNNNAAPPP! easy just like hit him there with something heavy and he'll go down.




Ways Aliens Will Invade. 

Infiltration - okay so there comes a time when aliens come in huge numbers but before any of that they've infiltrated us via numerous secret missions. So basically walking among us now are many aliens and we don't even know it, either they've got some sort of masking technology or they look like humans....

these are my potential undercover aliens;

So were essentially looking for plain weird and he looks plain weird. A bit like one of the ghost twins from the matrix, however also like a vampire from twilight....shitty vampires. Key areas to look out for, distinctive cheek bones, dark eyes and pale skin. 

Eccentrics.....which this guy clearly is. First of all it's like his head wants to go bald but the hair is just hiding behind his forehead, hoping that his eyes and brain wont clock on. Obviously been tanning as well which is unneeded. Also something else you should know....Tsoukalos here, specialises in ancient astronaut theory (click on the link to find out what that is....i'll let you be the judge then) all i'll say is Bragging????


Now on a serious note if aliens did exist we wouldn't know about them! they would be so far advance they would find ways to either make us think they're not there, with cunning disguises like this.

(Genuine Disguise Mel Gibson Tried To Get Away With, Not A Film, Real Life)

...so i wouldnt worry about it, as long as you dont pose a massive threat to their attack, then you'll be fine they'll let you go on your way. However have an anti-Spaceship rocket launcher in your house they may be looking for you.

Colonisation - Basically they come in a massive hoard of alien ships, we're talking Independence Day, War Of The Worlds, Battle LA type of thing.

There would first of all be scouts. UFO's being spotted over the past 50 years could be evidence of this. Problem is if UFO's were entering the atmosphere the likelyhood of you having a camera, having time to shoot it or it sticking around long enough would be mental odds. Not Going To Happen. Therefore we get things like this....

Or This.... 

These guys (British guys as well, just such a shit effort.) have gone in their garden with a saucepan and gone...lets make the shittiest video of a UFO ever! And i respect them for that! However we also get some of these people who make video's thinking there will be someone who will actually it!!!

Ohhhh just fuck off. Not only does it look shit, graphics wise, they've taken the time to go 'Do you know what this video needs.....a shadow, it needs a bloody shadow' no it doesn't, it looked shit in the first place, now it looks worse and you just look stupid. There are 100s and 100s of these videos, no alien take over as of yet, i think we'll be okay!!


Refugees- This would be in a District 9 type scenario, aliens come down to earth searching for refuge and we basically take a huge advantage of them, take their weapons, use there bodies for medicine, meat.......sex? 


(side note) would i have sex with an alien, if i knew it was an alien??....


well i dont know about this one, if the aliens are like the ones that we commonly see, round head little body....No i wouldnt because ....well frankly greens not my colour, blue however....

Yep....yep yep yep yep. i'll gladly take one of those home, she's fit, you cant say she's not, sure she's got a nose like a cat and her ears are a bit high and pointy but oh my, she's got that aggression and animalistic lareyness that makes her sexy.


Sorry.... any way back to humans taking an alien race and exploiting them. This would be a mad and terrible thing, if you suppress something....it will rise up and do some damage (Colin Lomax, my history teacher taught me that, he is rarely wrong). This has been a lesson you would think man would of learnt, they wont have...you'll get the country leaders going...yeah take what we need from them then lets get rid of them. Let me lay down a rule here. 

If there is a kid in the play ground whose using toys you want, but you know if you take them his big brother will come over and kick the shit out of you, you don't take the toys, it's stupid to. 

Same with the aliens, don't take their shit or they will call the big guns in and we'll be fucked. so the lesson is....


DON'T FOOK ABOOT WITH THOSE FOOKING PRUANS.
(don't fuck about with those fucking prawns)

Right.... I believe I've babbled on enough for one session.


Enjoy it????? yeah I didn't think you would. 


As I always say though, you believe what you want. if you want to believe we're alone in the universe then believe it. but there is something out there and if you dont believe it then you'll end up coming roasted.


'What about religion James???'


Yeah there's little truth in that to be honest, you don't have to believe in that!

Peace And Love Jowlers

James 

The Poet and The Musician....

So Jowlers.... what lovely weather we've been having. Now the pleasantries are out the way....

First i want to apologise about the amount of time it's been since i've blogged.

i'm working on a alien invasion theory so hopefully that will be along in a few days. Here's a small example of the sort of thing i've been working with.....

Nerds At Their Best

Dave: John, remember in that film, alien, how the baby alien gets on your face and lays an egg...

John: Yeah

Dave: well while your Baby is unable to move shall we recreate that moment?

John: Don't know the wife wont be happy

Dave: Fuck your wife, lets suffocate your child.

Until then theres lots you can be doing......instead of rolling around in your own faeces or getting asphyxiated like this child.

First for the poet....

M.S. Harris, you know him, you love him.

Buy his poetry book. It will make you think, laugh, cry and inspire. Well worth a buy. And dont just look actually buy it. £2.49 is nothing and it will buy him a desperately needed mosquito net.....oh no wrong cause there. Here's the link.....buy it you filthy JOWLERS

Next is another type of art in an equally exceptional form. Cousin Avi have recently released The Red One (click the link) Which is fantastic. i've listened to it and sure i love Avi anyway but the new song's their producing are fantastic and exactly what you need as summer comes bounding round the corner. Yesterday they released this bad boy.....

Again faaannntastic. Lyrics brilliant, Filthy and Rocky and basically what you need blasting in your car if you want to be classed as cool (Kev Mowbray) 


So yeah Peace and Love Jowlers.


We'll speak soon yeah????


James

The Annoying Hypochondriac

Jowlers and Jowlites


So i'm taking this precious blogging time to tell you all about a pet hate of my and thats 'over the top' Hypochondriacs. 

Actually i would bloodly love one of those in my bed, be it ill or at full health. She is so hot, i would  love to just......ohhhh god.....i would love to make her some chicken soup and make sure her water bottle was hot.....gggrrrrrrrrrr.


Sorry no, Hypochondriacs more like this.....

(just a casual Saturday night at the Adams family mansion)

People who are ill and they have to let every one know and make sure they get as much attention as they can. The Daily Mail said in a recent article;

'Hypochondriacs are healthier because they never, ever say of a symptom: 'I'm sure it's nothing.'

So basically it's the type of people who go to the doctor about trapping their finger in the fridge. Clearly a thing a person could get over in a matter of minutes but then has to go to the doctors. In fact i'm sure they'll be fully healed by the time they get their yet would still be like 'oh god i can't remember why i came here.......i must have alzheimer's'.

This has been spurred on by a woman at my work, who yesterday at about 2:13 decided that she was going to be ill for the rest of the day. I come up stairs into the office to find her standing, acting like she's spaced out.

Her- 'Oh God! I do not feel well (at this point swaying) I'm just rapidly falling ill'

Me- 'Oh Right, Bummer'

I've learnt over time to just not even pay attention where as a newby would 100% be like, okay sit down let me rub your swollen ankles. Nope I simple walked past her.

If your ill......do not declare your ill into someone's face. Instantly that person will put their hands to their face and ask you to remove your self. I did this. In a joking manor, I went; 

'Ohh well, don't come near me' 

she then snapped back and went

'Why would i want to go near you!' 

Well maybe you want to come near me because your way past 40, ugly and just generally ill mannered and any cock is hot! Okay I've wrote that and instantly gagged, small amount of Fajita has actually risen into my mouth.

So i want to take this time to talk about illness and why you shouldn't be pathetic. 

Guys, Bro's, Jowlers, I'm afriad to say that we're worse than the female of the species at this type of illness. Man flu is one of the biggest illnesses in the country and I honestly think that it's due to how easy it is to get off work. (I mean when the swine flu epidemic hit it was like international scive off work week) 

Imagine a soilder in the trenches of world war 2 going 'Myyyy head hurts, goddddd some one please get me a hot water bottle and my quilt.' would never happen. If anything, you say that, you'd be put down as a coward and probably be sent out first the next morning to see how active the Germans were. Wouldn't of happened. Now we can get away with it. And what is it that inspires us to do it. The hope that our girlfriends or any sexy female turns up like this. NOT YOUR MUM.....I REPEAT NOT YOUR MUM.

If that was my nurse I would be like ohhh god my thighs....my inner thighs! About 6-13 seconds of that I would be fine and ask to give her a check over. However usually nurses look like this. 

Not really what you want. You see that when you get into hospital you'll sooooon feel better. Jo Brand can be quite funny but she looks like a toad. A toad is the last thing i would want caring for me, all slimy and the risk of it just hitting you with it's long tongue. No I'm okay thanks I'll stick to not being a Hypo.

So basically in my infinite wisdom, I've decided there are certain things I think can be allowed as illnesses you can complain about and some you should just shut up about. 

Illnesses To Worry About

1. Cancer - Like The Don of Illness
2. AIDS - Like The Gay and 3rd World Don of Illness
3. Heart Disease - Bad Way to Go The Old Ticker Just Packing Up
4. Failure of Organs (all the big ones, liver, kidney's, Heart, Lung.....Brain?)
5. Mental Illnesses (but like the big ones like Schizophrenia, although who knows who will be telling you about their illness with that one, just not M.E.)
6. Dyspraxia/Dyslexia....Deadly.....to the brain.
7. Chlamydia (Nobody wants burning piss and puss like deposits, although rubber up, you'll be good to go kids)
8. Well really there are a lot of illnesses which I think we should worry about.

However there are some we just don't really need to worry about.

1.  Cold/ Common Flu - right it will be gone in like two weeks, three max, just go to bed early, take some Lemsip's and chill out. Usually your ill with a cold because your body is run down.
2. Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Painful yes, however also very funny. Toilet humour is best, look at this lovely video of some women taking full advantage of a little bit of the old IBS. 

    3. Malaria - but like in the western world, if we're talking Africa, stick it on the top list but here....if Cheryl Coal can deal with it I'm pretty sure the rest of us can. Then again i say that, she got in trouble for getting into a big old cat fight in 2003 in a club apply named 'The Drink' in Surrey, actually them mosquito's probably looked at her and went 'I dare you to bite her, i bloody dare you'. Mosquito numbers have dropped recently, when they saw she survived they simply gave up living. 
    4. Obesity - Eat less, Exercise more. Sorted. 


So in conclusion i think that we're all going to get ill through life, it's impossible to not get ill or damage your body. There are however some of us which will moan about it and others who will silently struggle through, continue to work, spread it to others and so the cycle continues. If there was no illness or disease we wouldn't learn how to defend ourselves from it and when it all hit at once we would be wiped out, look at the black plague (that may have no relevance). However I will say this if you don't feel well, don't do what the woman at work does and try and gain sympathy, it will just piss everyone off. She even went to the extent to which she came down into the warehouse, stood for 3-4 minutes doing nothing except signing and whinning.....FUCK OFF.


She came in the next day fine.


Jowlers can i say i'm loving how much support you guys are showing. Thank you for reading and i hope you continue to. I will be making some changes to the Name and stuff soon, so keep your peepers peeled. 

Peace and Love Jowls

James