The Real X-Men

Jowlites.....


I know the rate of blogs has been slow but I do have a life and other things I need to do, you know..... bloody students.  So I'm going to bless your eyes and senses of humour with another rendition of the 'Northamptonshire' famous James Gordon Blog. I did mention about changing the name, which I will do, however I need time to do so and as much as everyone thinks I do fuck all at work, I'm pretty busy at the moment.  However I always have time for my sexy mother Jowlers.


So today's topic is.....

The X-Men... a group of teenagers with one similarity is genetic mutation. Jean Grey - Telekinesis. Cyclops - Optic Blasts. Beast - Heightened Agility and Super Intelligence. Iceman - Control of Ice. Angel - One Bad Ass Pair of Wings. Led by a freaky bald guy in a wheelchair who could read everybody's mind.  Not weird at all.


'Mum, dad, I'm just off with this little wheelchair fella, he says he will 'read my mind' and stuff'


'Okay son...... have a safe journey'


These guys were the original, bad ass, mutant fighting/representing mother fuckers and they meant business. None of your Hugh Jackman or Halle Berry bull shit. They were the real deal.


Anyway I was thinking about being a mutant and how cool it would be. Turns out it wouldn't be.


I came across this article by accident......

  

I know what your thinking......FUCKKKK OFFFFFF!!!!!

Here's the woman!

Just metal wire coming out of every where! It's like a dream to some one who loves peircings...maybe not her, she's pretty ugly and looks so pissed off that she put on her 'misscaro' bra the one day she gets them out. So there you have it. She has actually got wire growing out of her body. I was/am still sceptic, however here's some quotes from the article.....

'Her name is Noorsyaidah. A 40 years old kindergarten teacher from Sangatta, East Kutai. Her first symptoms started manifestating in 1991. The metal wires grew out of her chest and her belly.' 

Yep....you read that right, kindergarten teacher! Okay Miss (deffinately miss, she's not a mrs) Noorsyaidah, you've got some very good credentials here, your officially not a paedophile according to guys upstairs so i think we're good to go, now i've got a lovely class of (she takes her jumper off revelling a few wires for a moment) ohhh, whats that there? (She shows him the wires).....get out!  She wouldnt be aloud to teach kids in this country, they'd rip her apart, literally. They made the board game operation for a reason, cause kids love poking bodies...she's like a gold mine to them. 

'One of her sisters said that she tried to help by trimming the wires. Alas, whenever she trimmed the wires, the wire retreated as if it were hiding and then popped up in another part of Noorsyaidah’s body.'

That would be so cool, she's essentially like a magnetic sea anemone touch her wires and they retract. Funny enough same thing happens with my penis. Touch that bad boy it will retract and pop out somewhere else on my body. So yeah thats a bit weird.

 'At this stage, there were no current medical explanations or any case ever exist. Hence, there is but only one other possible consideration… Occult magic.'

I loved this quote so much. The idea that if a medical condition cannot be explained it must be Occult Magic. 200 years ago you've got people going to 'doctors';

Commoner -  'it burns when i piss and my cocks leaking a yellow puss...which is salty to taste' 

Doctor - 'that is.......Occult Magic, not a lot i can do about that to be honest, just keep having sex, it'll work it's self out'

So i saw this article and i thought, that is fantastic, as far as doctors can see it's a genetic mutation which means that there is actual metal wire growing out of her body. I mean my first step would be get some of the metal, test it to see if what element it is, she may have just fallen into a pit of paper clips. However as far as we can see she has mutated. This got me doing some more research. I thought 'i wonder how much evidence there is on every day people being superheroes' of course the internet was full of mental stories of people with powers.... here's my top 5 'real' life x-men...... (real put extremely loosely, you read about these guys and you'll agree)

TOP 5 REAL LIFE X-MEN!!!!!!! 

(said in like the X-Factor voice)

5. Beast Master (Vladimir Durov)

With the power of his mind he could control animals to do his bidding.

So this guy basically controlled animals with the power of his mind. Yeah it's unlikely that this is actually happening, however...

'Bechterev created a list of tasks that he wanted one of Durov's docks to perform in a specific order. Durov went to his fox terrier, Pikki, took his head in his hands and stirred straight into the little dogs eyes - physically transferring his thoughts directly into Pikki's brain. Durov release the dog and it immediately went outperforming the assigned tasks'

 order to build control animals with my mind.  I would get my cats doing just the most mental stuff, stealing from banks, working as a pack to take down my enemies. however I think we're all forgetting self-will.  Animals aren't stupid, you want to sit on a mat, unless there's some incentive, they won't sit on the mat. Beast Master would be cool but what happens when you come up against the Super Evil Veterinarian. You're done.

4. Lightening Man (Roy Cleveland Sullivan)

The Ability To Absorb Lightening.

A man who can absorb lightning.... just take it on and lived to tell the tale.

'Roy Cleveland Sullivan was a forest ranger in Virginia who had an incredible attraction to lightning... or rather it has an attraction to him.  Over his 36 year career as a ranger, some of them were struck by lightning seven times - and survived each jolt, but not unscathed'

If you're like me, your thinking... 'Right you've absorbed lightning.... now what are you doing with it? Shooting off in different directions from your hands??' Nope....nothing.  He's literally just absorbing it. I read on....

'He suffered the loss of a nail on his big toe. 27 years passed before been struck again, this time by a bolt that singed his eyebrows off.  The next year, in 1970, another strike burned Sullivans left shoulder'

That's not a power, it's just a fucking hindrance. It gets worse for Roy....

'In 1973 when, seemingly just to taunt Sullivan, a low hanging cloud shot a lightning bolt at his head, blasting him out of the car, setting is hair on fire and knocking off a shoe.'

He's just looking at the sky cursing.....'Please just leave me alone....GOD please' the guy got hit by lightning seven times in his life.... I feel for him, there were points when Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) said his abilities won't power over a curse.  He didn't know how lucky he was, he didn't get struck by lightning every two minutes. 'Is that a curse???' I hear you say, let you be the judge by the last line in this article...

'He took his own life in 1983'

 Hated His Power.

3. The Great Telekinetic (Nina Kulagina)


The Power To Move Things With Her Mind


Basically woman in the soviet union, where talking like 1970s, claims to be able to move things with her mind and from what can be seen on video footage and from documents that have been 'leaked' it would appear she managed to slow a man's heart rate down to near cardiac arrest (now seen Derren Brown do that aided simply with a golf ball). She was stopped due to previous experiments in which she had managed to kill frogs by slowing down their heart rates. Okay that's mental, she clearly just killed the frogs with her bare hands, she throttled a frog in there... evil evil woman. Take a look at the video below...

Make your own mind up.


Get her moving a car and I'll be impressed, until then there's more than one way to skin a cat, or moving object with a magnet as the case may be.


2. Das Uberboy (Unknown)


Superhuman Strength From Birth


I don't really know what to say about this one.  There's not much evidence to this.  Basically an article I've come across and I've thought 'It would be quite cool to have a baby superhero' are the only folks call the article had was this....

Basically stating that it was a genetic mutation and that the animals were muscles have become the key genetic strain.  Apparently when the baby was first born all its muscles would twitch constantly and now it had superstrength, however they are keeping the child's name secret due to the safety of the child. This clearly indicates that a Mafia gang are going to kidnap him and train him to be the bad guy, if his name got out. As I said I don't know what to say about this, I think it could be rubbish.


1. Captain Sonar (Ben Underwood)


 Super Echolocation After Losing His Sight Due To Retinal Cancer


so basically this young man from America is the real-life Daredevil, you pathetic non-comic book readers will know him as a misty eyed Ben Affleck, however Daredevil was a character who got toxic waste in his eyes. Although it blinded him all of his other senses were heightened.  This lad had cancer in his retinas that age 2 and lost his sight, two years later he gained the ability to use a series of clicks to echo locate objects around him. 


Please take time to watch this video..... it is truly amazing! (just click the link below)

This is by far my winner, if the others were even contenders. I'm not going to have a go at him or try to be funny. He is truly an amazing example of how the human body can adapt and evolve to whatever disability is thrown at it.


Captain Sonar....... you can join my Superhuman Squad any time!


so there we have it, a little rundown of the reality of mutation and superhuman powers.  Anyone who knows me is properly shocked at how long it has taken for me to get a comic book related blog on here, well here it is and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And to some non-reality mutants, take a look at the new X-Men trailer below.... set to be one of the biggest superhero films this year.

Peace and Love Jowlers

James.

The Concept Of An Alien Invasion

Jowllleeerrrsss, firstly I want to apologise for how long it has been since I blogged last! Nearly 2 weeks. Honest answer.... I've gone on-line with my X-Box and all I do is sit and play CoD all day. I've had numerous people ask me about the next one;

'When's The Next One Coming Out?? I Need To Read Something!! I Need Something To Take Me Away From The Gamble That Is My Diabetic Life' 

James Tyrrell

'Its A Favourite On My iPad Web Page Now... When's The New One Coming Out'

Stacy Hudson

'Please Tell Me Your Putting A New One Out Soon, I Touch My Self While Reading Them...'

Lucy Dibble

'Stop Writing This Bollocks, It's Shit And No One Cares'

Mark Harris

So get ready.....your about to read something i'm building and hyping up, which is basically the word vomit I'm producing from an over active brain (no normal person should think into stuff as much as i do, your brain will explode). You'll be extremely dissapointed with it and wish you'd spent your time doing something better... but for those of you who love me off enough to care (Mum....Dad, thats for you) here we go...




i recently went to see this here film.

This isn't a film review, purely due to the fact it's been out to long to review it, that would be pointless but what a great little action film. I went in thinking it would be terrible due to all the bad press it got, even though the trailer was really good, and i ended up really liking it. It is action from start to end but it is good action and the story is relatively gripping. However there were a few themes in the film which i thought were interesting talking points and why not bring them up on a lovely blog.


So the scenario....

The Earth Enters Into A World Wide Invasion From An Alien Species....Discuss.

First of all 100% every kid out there wants this to happen. At some point or another they've gone how cool would it be if aliens invaded earth. Well the answer is that it would not be cool. Not at all. 

Lets get a few things straight to start with. Themes and theories of the film Battle: Los Angeles actually made sense.  A lovely group of squid like aliens come down to earth to kill all it's inhabitants and the take it's main resource in this case.....water. The earth is 71% water and if things are coming to get our resources i'm pretty sure it's going to be for the aqua. 


I like water. In the summer after playing tennis or football there is nothing better than a glass of water and in the winter if you heat it up loads and get in it, it can be lovely to jump into for an hour or two. There is no way a bunch of cephalopods (yeah thats science there, means a mollusc which has developed tentacles so....) aren't going to want to come down and splash about a bit. 


Here's a picture of them.

But your thinking to your self....

'Wait a minute James, I can see a figure, sure, but its a bit

 hard to make out...'

So I thought I'd take it upon my self to do a little drawing of these bad boys then we'll take them as the alien that's taking over the planet.

So now you get an idea of what an alien coming to earth is going to look like. Now we can rip it apart. LOOK AT HIM!!!!! he's got no chance really. First of all I'm pretty sure our gravity is going to be an issue for him because he's got tentacles for walking apparatus, the leg to body weight ratio would be impossible to our physics. Although i think the legs (if they worked) would be the biggest problem for us though. Four of them to start with, quicker on the move. Also no one has ever liked a squid kicking them. He hits you with one of them you know it. Although then we move up the body, look at his tiny waste. SNNNAAPPP! easy just like hit him there with something heavy and he'll go down.




Ways Aliens Will Invade. 

Infiltration - okay so there comes a time when aliens come in huge numbers but before any of that they've infiltrated us via numerous secret missions. So basically walking among us now are many aliens and we don't even know it, either they've got some sort of masking technology or they look like humans....

these are my potential undercover aliens;

So were essentially looking for plain weird and he looks plain weird. A bit like one of the ghost twins from the matrix, however also like a vampire from twilight....shitty vampires. Key areas to look out for, distinctive cheek bones, dark eyes and pale skin. 

Eccentrics.....which this guy clearly is. First of all it's like his head wants to go bald but the hair is just hiding behind his forehead, hoping that his eyes and brain wont clock on. Obviously been tanning as well which is unneeded. Also something else you should know....Tsoukalos here, specialises in ancient astronaut theory (click on the link to find out what that is....i'll let you be the judge then) all i'll say is Bragging????


Now on a serious note if aliens did exist we wouldn't know about them! they would be so far advance they would find ways to either make us think they're not there, with cunning disguises like this.

(Genuine Disguise Mel Gibson Tried To Get Away With, Not A Film, Real Life)

...so i wouldnt worry about it, as long as you dont pose a massive threat to their attack, then you'll be fine they'll let you go on your way. However have an anti-Spaceship rocket launcher in your house they may be looking for you.

Colonisation - Basically they come in a massive hoard of alien ships, we're talking Independence Day, War Of The Worlds, Battle LA type of thing.

There would first of all be scouts. UFO's being spotted over the past 50 years could be evidence of this. Problem is if UFO's were entering the atmosphere the likelyhood of you having a camera, having time to shoot it or it sticking around long enough would be mental odds. Not Going To Happen. Therefore we get things like this....

Or This.... 

These guys (British guys as well, just such a shit effort.) have gone in their garden with a saucepan and gone...lets make the shittiest video of a UFO ever! And i respect them for that! However we also get some of these people who make video's thinking there will be someone who will actually it!!!

Ohhhh just fuck off. Not only does it look shit, graphics wise, they've taken the time to go 'Do you know what this video needs.....a shadow, it needs a bloody shadow' no it doesn't, it looked shit in the first place, now it looks worse and you just look stupid. There are 100s and 100s of these videos, no alien take over as of yet, i think we'll be okay!!


Refugees- This would be in a District 9 type scenario, aliens come down to earth searching for refuge and we basically take a huge advantage of them, take their weapons, use there bodies for medicine, meat.......sex? 


(side note) would i have sex with an alien, if i knew it was an alien??....


well i dont know about this one, if the aliens are like the ones that we commonly see, round head little body....No i wouldnt because ....well frankly greens not my colour, blue however....

Yep....yep yep yep yep. i'll gladly take one of those home, she's fit, you cant say she's not, sure she's got a nose like a cat and her ears are a bit high and pointy but oh my, she's got that aggression and animalistic lareyness that makes her sexy.


Sorry.... any way back to humans taking an alien race and exploiting them. This would be a mad and terrible thing, if you suppress something....it will rise up and do some damage (Colin Lomax, my history teacher taught me that, he is rarely wrong). This has been a lesson you would think man would of learnt, they wont have...you'll get the country leaders going...yeah take what we need from them then lets get rid of them. Let me lay down a rule here. 

If there is a kid in the play ground whose using toys you want, but you know if you take them his big brother will come over and kick the shit out of you, you don't take the toys, it's stupid to. 

Same with the aliens, don't take their shit or they will call the big guns in and we'll be fucked. so the lesson is....


DON'T FOOK ABOOT WITH THOSE FOOKING PRUANS.
(don't fuck about with those fucking prawns)

Right.... I believe I've babbled on enough for one session.


Enjoy it????? yeah I didn't think you would. 


As I always say though, you believe what you want. if you want to believe we're alone in the universe then believe it. but there is something out there and if you dont believe it then you'll end up coming roasted.


'What about religion James???'


Yeah there's little truth in that to be honest, you don't have to believe in that!

Peace And Love Jowlers

James